Good Lord I am slack! Sorry y'all! 

With all the holidays and stuff I've been MIA. Who knew two kids cost so much and were so much work! Things someone never told me!

So here's my conundrum. Lily is now 9 months old and she hates people. Either she REALLY takes after me or I have been keeping her cooped up too much. I'm hoping its the latter. She doesn't want to be held by anyone else. She puts her head into my armpit, gross I know, when someone says hello to her. And she cries when I leave the room. So now I'm looking at some...oy...mom groups. I hate everything "mom" related. It's always full of those moms who wear their yoga pants (and look good in them), who have amazing husbands who do the laundry and work at Google and buy them huge 2 carat rings "just because". 

Ok. So that may not be all true but thats what I'm thinking is going to happen. So here are my options.

1. Gymboree.

Have you ever been or watched the videos online? I really think if there is a hell I will be a 7 month old child in a permanent gymboree class. You sing and play with your kid. And pay for it. uh, why? I can play with my kid here at home, in my yoga pants (that look horrid on) with my fake diamond ring, while the laundry is drying and my husband is working a long day again at some other techie place.

no thank you

2. Stroller Moms

This is a group that meets at the park and as you can probably guess, exercise with babe in stroller.

One word.

exercise.

 no thank you

3. Chucking kid in the YMCA daycare while I pretend to workout

She'll be exposed to other kids (germs, but this is a plus) and other grown ups.

I get alone time. Sure I have to walk on a treadmill, but I can listen to gangsta rap on my headphones, read a tabloid magazine, and wear my comfy pants. 

This may be the winner. 

And don't give me side eye because I've been slack. I'll try to do better, mom.

I'm back bitches!

I have had a few of my friends this week tell me that they appreciate my honesty when it comes to being a mother. So I thought I would come back to this ol' blog. I know, I know, there are millions of "mom blogs" out there, and some wittier and better written than mine. And they also probably tell you how to vacuum, bake cakes, and have an orgasm all at the same time. (if you find this blog, please let me know, I want to read it too)

I'll give you a brief update and explanation of my disappearance:
When I hit about 8 months pregnant, my back really started to kick my ass. I had to go on pain killers to make it through the day. So you can imagine how much I really wanted to sit here and blog about it. I had Lillian on April 14th by c-section. She was breach as well. If you read my last horror story about my first c-section, I am pleased to tell you that this time around was WAY DIFFERENT! It was wonderful. I had her in my arms immediately after.

Lillian 6 months old on Halloween

My back pain ended up being my SI joint, and not my kidney stone. I have to do these funny exercises that make my husband all "oooo ahhhh". And take a ton of ibuprofen. But no more of the heavy pain killers (damn). So there's your update. I'm really going to try to do this more often and tell you all the wonderful things I do as a mother to make you feel bad and less adequate. But mostly it'll be me telling you that its ok to lock yourself in a closet, buy baby food instead of making it all the time, and cry at the thought of having to do this for the next 18 years of your life.

What to really expect #3

What to really expect #3

The best thing to buy is from the dollar store.

By the time you are 5-6 months pregnant you no longer need nail polish, because you can't see your feet anyway so why does it matter? Then the 7th month hits, and you realize its a chore to bend over and wash those nasty neglected feet in the shower. I swear I've had to sit down on the edge of the tub to catch my breath after a good foot scrubbin'. Then I looked up as if looking up to the clouds parting, the planets aligned, yes there were birds singing (its basically spring here in California), and there it was....my dollar store back loofah. BRILLIANT! Why didn't I think of this before? I can clean my toes and heels without so much as looking down! Lather it up! So ladies, do yourself a favor, run out to the dollar store and buy yourself one of those loofah's on a stick. Best purchase ever.

What to really expect #2

#2 Sitting down and standing up will make you curse more than you ever have.

I admit that I use curse words like they are the icing to my life cake. I can never do the game that makes you give your child a quarter for every bad word you say. That child would be loaded by the time she's 12! But even I have noticed the influx of questionable language recently. Every time I sit down, stand up, put on shoes, pick something up off the floor, or anything that involves bending; I end up sounding like George Carlin after someone woke him up from his deep dead sleep and taunted him with a cigarette and scotch.
You will do this too. Maybe not to the extent I do, but even the nicest most church going pregnant lady will let out a four letter word every now and then. Think about it. You have a watermelon sized uterus, back ache, a fetus kicking your vagina (more on that one tomorrow), and leg cramps. Do you really expect to get up off that comfy couch and mutter "holy smokes, or jeez Louise!" no, that just doesn't cut it.
It's ok. No one is going to fault you. You're just practicing for the birth! It's the one time no one is going critique your manners. So next time your husband, partner, baby daddy, etc. laughs that it takes about 10 minutes to pull yourself off of the chair just turn your head to them and politely say, "fuck off".

What to really expect when you're expecting #1

There are all of these things that happen to you when you are pregnant that I have yet to find in a book. I'm sure they're out there but I'm not one to go buy every book/magazine on being pregnant. So I'm going to start putting them on here. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Mostly the ugly. I have 10 weeks left in this pregnancy and I hope to post one a day. So here it goes...

What to Really Expect; Things They Don't Tell You About Being Pregnant

#1 Sneezing while on the toilet is almost as satisfying as pre-pregnancy sex
There comes a point in your pregnancy when even the world champion of kegels will leak a little when she sneezes. This is natural, after all you have another human being pressing against your bladder. So when you go to the toilet for the 10th time in two hours, and you sneeze at the same time, that sweet release could be the most pleasurable thing you've done since conceiving that little bundle. Remember that night you had a one too many glasses of wine and lost all inhibitions, making love to your husband like you were teenagers (er, um, young adults) again? And there were no kids yet so you could be as loud as you wanted too. And after there was this feeling of what used to be, and a comforting realization that you don't have to go through dating and relationship games in order to, frankly, get off like that?

Well when you have to tighten up every muscle in your body and pray to every god out there that you won't lose your whiz when you feel that sneeze coming on in the middle of the crowded grocery store line; then you will know what I mean about sneezing on the can.

So from now on kill two birds with one stone. Feel a sneeze coming on? Run to the toilet, cause I know you have to pee too, and let it all go.

Sugar and Spice

If one more person says, "oh, well you can try for a boy after this one" I'm going to punch them.

I am ecstatic about being able to raise two strong independent girls. My mom did. I love the bond that I share with my sister, something that isn't the same with a brother I'm sure. The weight of the world is on my shoulders thinking about the proper way to keep their self esteem up in a world filled with plastic ideals, and let them know that they don't have to have a man to be happy, that they are beautiful and smart and deserve every bit out of life as a man does.
It's when people give me this "so sorry" look about having another girl. It makes me want to scream. One would think in this society, in the middle of one of the most liberal places in the world, people wouldn't still have that idea that your family is not complete without a boy. I guess there's no way around sexism in this world. Thank you for making me even more of a feminist than I already was.

I love my girls. Even when one is rolling her eyes and the other is rolling on top of my bladder. I love them. And wouldn't change a damn thing.

Here's to the first week of my last trimester!

I went to Whole Foods today. I don't normally shop there because it's ridiculously expensive!
When did hippies start making so much money?
Anyway, I want to be rich so I can shop there all the time. I live in a town that is not exactly full of nice people. Especially for someone from the South where people are nice even if you aren't.
Back to Whole Foods, I was allowed in the door first by a nice young lady who gave me the, "aw look at you pregnant lady" look. Then right beside the organic, picked by well paid farmers, and no-pesticides, blah blah blah...there he was...Brad Freaking Pitt. I stopped in my tracks. This guy (who was not surrounded by children so obviously not the real Brad Pitt) must get this reaction a lot because he smiled and laughed at me a little. Not a "you dumb ass" laugh, a "I know, I look like him, it's ok" laugh.
Throughout the entire time I was there, everyone was super nice. But not in being paid to be nice way. Just nice. It was refreshing. I could spend hours in there. It's my little getaway. I know I usually spend 20 minutes looking at the spices alone. And then the CHEESE!! yum.

People think I'm crazy because I don't like the smell of glass cups. They are gross. It smells like detergent and old milk. And it's not just mine, it's everyones. I am also the girl that has always covered an open glass if someone farts around me while I'm drinking. Who wants fart smell in their tea? I've been using two plastic cups from Wendy's for about 6 months now. So to please my husband, sister, and my weird smell aversions I found a plastic reusable cup. It looks just like one from a restaurant or convenience store (personal favorite plastic cup brand). It even has a cute handlebar mustache on it.

so there you go....food and funny smells...isn't that what pregnancy is really about?



the plastic mustache cup.

Have a little Faith

This may be TMI for some, so don't say I didn't warn ya.

Last night I realized that my "lady parts" are like Religion....let me explain.
I have not seen myself in that area in about 3 months. I have been told that it's still there by a good source (my husband) and that its not just there for peeing 800 times a day. I don't know what it looks like anymore...maybe an enchanted forest? I have to just have Faith that it's still there.
It gives life, it's magical and mysterious, I can't see it, but sometimes I feel it. It brings joy and happiness to another. And it even makes him jump up for joy and shout "Oh God!". So yes, I think it's safe to say that when you are pregnant and haven't seen your vag in a few months and its about to produce life...that it's ok to refer to it as your new religion. I mean, your world and his kind of revolve around it right now anyway.

I think it may be time for a waxing.....Hallelujah!

Lizabeth!!!!!

I don't so much waddle as walk like Fred Sanford....

that is all...

It's Godzilla!!!!!

Hi everyone!
I know it's been awhile since I posted last. We went back to South Carolina for Thanksgiving. It was refreshing feeling like a liberal again.
I didn't gain the 20 pounds I was sure I would down south, but I did eat just about everything in sight. Red eye gravy and biscuits are God's gift to me.
I'm 22 weeks now, and I feel about 8 months pregnant. I'm freakishly huge! I was with Parker as well. It's my unusually shaped uterus. It's a bicornuate uterus, which is heart shaped. So everytime, and I mean EVERY TIME I make an appointment or go to the doctor a nurse says, "oh wow! you have a bicornuate uterus! That's so rare! Wow!". Yes, I'm a freak I know. I sometimes tell them I only want the best for my unborn baby and am letting it live in a luxury penthouse uterus while gestating. It's the honeymoon suite. Plenty of space for stretching out your legs...
Anyway, it does make me look bigger than I am. I have a favorite green shirt right now and had my picture taken in it yesterday. Now I realize I look like Godzilla in this shirt and may not wear it again. I live in a predominately Asian population and don't want to cause a stir. That's another thing! When I pick up Parker from school, it never fails that I see a beautiful Asian lady with a 2 month old baby and she looks like she's never eaten an ounce of fat or lost a nights sleep in her life! I may ask what the trick is one day, but without the green shirt.

God's little gift (and I'm not talking about the baby)

My back hurts, I still feel like puking at noon everyday even though I'm well into my second trimester, I'm gassy and bloated and crave things I cannot have.
Pregnancy sucks. But at the same time, it's a beautiful thing....
JUST LOOK AT MY BOOBS!!!!
Dude! They are HUGE! Granted my nipples are silver dollars but that's ok because I now have two perky and full tata's! Screw McDonalds...I'm lovin' my own personal nuggets!
I had forgotten how great I fill out a shirt when I'm pregnant. I may not be Pamela Anderson, but for someone who long swore her allegiance to chicken cutlets, I'm pretty damn happy!
And the best part????
The part that makes me think God's a woman? My husband is NOT allowed to touch them!
They are SUPER sensitive! So, he gets to look at them and get just close enough, but no touching. He cant stand it!
Not only do I feel great, I'm also a "craving" my husband can't have.
So when I feel like I'm fat and gross and too tired to even talk, I know my husband is secretly in agony. That no matter how fat I get, he still wants me...even if it's just for my voluptuous boobs.

Thank you God!

It's the Simple Things.

I complain a lot. I know this. I've always been like that. And I've never really been the glass half full kind of girl.
It's really hard being pregnant...and 3000 miles away from family and friends....and a housewife whose husband works a lot....but I'm going to write down a few of the simple things that make me happy and get me through the day.


1) Pajamas. I could wear them all day. Especially now that 99% of my clothes don't fit me anymore.
I got new ones last night at Target. They are oversized, one piece, and absolutely hideous. My husband asked me this morning if the outhouse was cold this morning (because I look like a pioneer). They take 10 minutes to take off to go pee, which I do a lot of,make my pregnant tummy look even more pregnant, and are teal and dark blue, and go great with my big fuzzy slippers. And I LOVE them.

2) Crock Pots. I could not live without my crock pot. It's great. We used to go out to eat (my favorite thing to do) when I was too tired to cook, and now I can just put some stuff in and let it sit all day. It fills the house up with the greatest smells too! I have an aversion to just about every smell out there right now.

3) Cinnamon Apple Candles. Speaking of smells...I love the Glade ones that are at Target. They smell like SC in the fall. When the leaves are red, orange, and breathtaking. I miss that. And these candles give me a hint of it all the way out here in Cali.

4) Baby Stuff. For some reason all I have to do is pick up a onesie or smell baby powder and I am overtaken with a great sense of euphoria. I'm not one of those people who love babies even when I"m not pregnant. I don't know what to do with them half the time. Parker will be 7 on Sunday so I'm kind of going at this pregnancy as if it's my first. But the smell and the sense of a baby is so wonderful to me right now. I'm in love. Maybe that's why people have so many children? It's a way to be in love for the first time again over and over. The thought of this baby, and the relationship it's going to have with Parker is what drives me. I hope they have the same wonderful relationship as me and my sister do. I couldn't live without her. And I'm excited to see my husband, who's an only child and has no concept of what its like to have a sibling. He's in for some fun.

and finally

5) Food. I know I know. I'm pregnant, so food will most definitely be on my list. I have a secret...I ate two breakfasts this morning. And I don't feel guilty. I was hungry! I've been tracking my weight because I gained so much with Parker and I don't want to do that again. It's not healthy. But sometimes you just have to indulge. And one of them was a bowl of Special K...and that doesnt even count when you're dieting! My other is MONGOLIAN food!!!!! I have a spice addiction right now and the only cure is Mongolian. It's so spicy and delicious and you can pick what you want to eat! I literally could eat it every single day.

So there it is. See I'm not such a ogre. Although if you see me in my pajamas you might think otherwise :)

It ain't me babe

I wish I was an "earth mother" type.
I really do. I have a friend who is. She's so fantastic. Her whole family is like that. They are the uber family. She's about 5 foot tall and 90 pounds....pregnant and soaking wet. She ran a marathon at 7 months pregnant with her first child. She never showed any signs of being moody and pregnancy made her prettier (something that I don't think is human and I didn't think she could get prettier).
And we all rolled our eyes when she said she was going to give birth completely natural. But she did.
For the longest time I wanted to be like her. I wanted the same when I was to give birth to my first child, Parker. But that didn't happen.
I was induced with Parker because I was already late and had gained a whopping 60 pounds on my 5 foot 2 inch frame. That was already bad. I wanted a full on painful, no drugs, energizing, and I AM WOMAN birth. The next morning after about 7 hours of labor and them breaking my water with a contraption that looked like something out of Texas Chainsaw Massacre, the doc decided to do another ultrasound to see why the baby wasn't coming down.
She had turned and was now breech.
We had to have a c-section. I was horrified and tired and disappointed in myself for not being a "real mother". After the c section, I had to wait in the recovery room until I could move my toes.
Seriously. They said "you can hold your baby when you can move your toes". I was like Uma in the Kill Bill "Pussy Wagon" trying to move my toes.
I was there for an hour. By myself. Crying and feeling very alone. Needless to say, it sucked.

That was my experience in giving birth. It's still hard to think about. But I have come to be ok with the fact that I am not like my friend. And I'm no less of a mother. Shit happens.

My doctor now is kind of pushing me to do a VBAC. Vaginal birth after Cesarean. The risks can be pretty high. Uterine rupture does not sound fun. And considering what I went through last time, a planned c-section doesn't sound so bad. They don't hold you in a room away from your baby here, so no toe moving necessary.

I also watch those birth shows, and I really don't want all my junk laying out for everyone to see. I get cold chills just looking at stirrups. And I'm a pretty gassy person. My poor doctor would not be amused.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I have some time to think on it. But I'm leaning towards c-section.

As for my friend, she's due to give birth all natural again in December. I wish her the best of luck.

The most evil invention...

Yes. I'm talking about the diaper cake.
Why on earth would you ever think that it was acceptable to give a pregnant woman a cake she cannot eat?!!!!
Here's my beef with diaper cakes;

1. They're some of the ugliest things known to man. No wonder people hate baby showers (and don't pretend you like them, I know better) You have to look at these atrocious things and smile and pretend you like it. It's the same as the Armadillo cake situation in "Steel Magnolias".

2. They are completely useless. Have you ever tried to put on a diaper that has been hiding in the bottom of the diaper bag for a few weeks? It's not easy. And you know as soon as you take one of those hand tied bows off the whole damn thing is going to fall all over the floor and you're going to have to find a way to bend your big ol' pregnant ass down to pick them up.

3. You have to pretend you are thankful for something that is just going to take up valuable space in the nursery room. And have to see said diaper cake every time you walk in to the babies room...valuable space that could be used to put that beer that you have been waiting nine months to drink!

4. Diapers are meant to be pooped and pee'd in. Why on earth would you think that's cute?

5. IT'S NOT A CAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!! Do not under any circumstance give me something that is a fake substitute for a cake. I will gnaw your arm off with buttercream icing.

These things are what women who secretly hate you give you. They are evil and must be destroyed.

14 weeks down, lots to go.

I had my 14 week, welcome to the second trimester appointment today.
I've forgotten about having to pee in a cup everytime you step foot in the Doc's office. I think I'm going to get really good at that. They should have competitions. It should be an Olympic event. I mean we are training for nine months right? And you know that Duggar bitch would win everytime, and while on the podium accepting the gold medal she'd pop out another baby. GO USA!
My doctor is great. She's what you would expect a California Ob/gyn to be. Kind of hippy'ish and really smart. But I don't think she really gets my husbands jokes. And joke he does. First he tells the nurse that I am not 5ft. 4in. That I'm lying and I get taller at each visit. Then he decides he should weigh himself. So the digital scale keeps beeping while the nurse is around the corner. great. And of course he blurts out, "THAT CANT BE RIGHT!" It is honey. It is.
When we finally get to see the doctor and I am explaining that I don't fly well and if I can take anything while I'm on our next trip, he chimes in and says, "you know like xanax, and how much can she drink? I know not a lot cause she's pregnant and all". I really think she thought he was serious. oh *sigh*
Now let me tell you about the poster. Which I took a picture of and posted below. Is it just me, or is bitch giving me the side eye? It's like she's saying, while you are half naked with your feet up in stirrups and a long cotton swab up your snatch, "Look at me, I have voluptuous breasts and a cute little pregnant body at 40 weeks gestation, and well, you look like a beached whale". I'm sure this is all in my head. On another note....check out the diagram underneath...that's how big your cervix gets when you push out a baby. And that's why I'm having another c-section. And why Michelle Duggar is a freaking Champ!
We heard the baby's heart beat. It's strong and fast and loud. And it made me very very happy.

Spilling the beans.

We waited until I was in the second trimester to let all of our friends know about this pregnancy and post it on facebook.
I've never been a fan of posting a thing such as this on facebook, but considering I'm 3,000 miles away from my closest friends, it was a necessity.
Most of the people I know would never ever think that I would have another child. I'm just not that kind of woman. I've never had that "glow" and I really don't like children....except my own. My worst day would be having to attend a 5 year old's birthday party. So I tried to think of clever ways to spill the beans. Something that would keep my integrity (whatever is left of it) and soften the blow to all of the unsuspecting friends back home.
I thought as status updates
1. My uterus has decided that it was time to dust off the cobwebs and incubate a fetus for the next nine months.
or since I"m all over celebrity news...
2. Watch out Jesse James and Kat Von D, there's another Jew on the way!

Those were both turned down by my husband and friend Jennifer. I"m not one to put a big freaking stork in my front yard and yell at the rooftops "we're having a baby!" or "we are so pleased to announce...". It's just not my bag. So I ended up with "Devin Rubinstein is trying to think of a clever way to tell you she's pregnant".
I liked welcoming a new jew better.