#2 Sitting down and standing up will make you curse more than you ever have.
I admit that I use curse words like they are the icing to my life cake. I can never do the game that makes you give your child a quarter for every bad word you say. That child would be loaded by the time she's 12! But even I have noticed the influx of questionable language recently. Every time I sit down, stand up, put on shoes, pick something up off the floor, or anything that involves bending; I end up sounding like George Carlin after someone woke him up from his deep dead sleep and taunted him with a cigarette and scotch.
You will do this too. Maybe not to the extent I do, but even the nicest most church going pregnant lady will let out a four letter word every now and then. Think about it. You have a watermelon sized uterus, back ache, a fetus kicking your vagina (more on that one tomorrow), and leg cramps. Do you really expect to get up off that comfy couch and mutter "holy smokes, or jeez Louise!" no, that just doesn't cut it.
It's ok. No one is going to fault you. You're just practicing for the birth! It's the one time no one is going critique your manners. So next time your husband, partner, baby daddy, etc. laughs that it takes about 10 minutes to pull yourself off of the chair just turn your head to them and politely say, "fuck off".
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Monday, February 7, 2011
What to really expect when you're expecting #1
There are all of these things that happen to you when you are pregnant that I have yet to find in a book. I'm sure they're out there but I'm not one to go buy every book/magazine on being pregnant. So I'm going to start putting them on here. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Mostly the ugly. I have 10 weeks left in this pregnancy and I hope to post one a day. So here it goes...
What to Really Expect; Things They Don't Tell You About Being Pregnant
#1 Sneezing while on the toilet is almost as satisfying as pre-pregnancy sex
There comes a point in your pregnancy when even the world champion of kegels will leak a little when she sneezes. This is natural, after all you have another human being pressing against your bladder. So when you go to the toilet for the 10th time in two hours, and you sneeze at the same time, that sweet release could be the most pleasurable thing you've done since conceiving that little bundle. Remember that night you had a one too many glasses of wine and lost all inhibitions, making love to your husband like you were teenagers (er, um, young adults) again? And there were no kids yet so you could be as loud as you wanted too. And after there was this feeling of what used to be, and a comforting realization that you don't have to go through dating and relationship games in order to, frankly, get off like that?
Well when you have to tighten up every muscle in your body and pray to every god out there that you won't lose your whiz when you feel that sneeze coming on in the middle of the crowded grocery store line; then you will know what I mean about sneezing on the can.
So from now on kill two birds with one stone. Feel a sneeze coming on? Run to the toilet, cause I know you have to pee too, and let it all go.
What to Really Expect; Things They Don't Tell You About Being Pregnant
#1 Sneezing while on the toilet is almost as satisfying as pre-pregnancy sex
There comes a point in your pregnancy when even the world champion of kegels will leak a little when she sneezes. This is natural, after all you have another human being pressing against your bladder. So when you go to the toilet for the 10th time in two hours, and you sneeze at the same time, that sweet release could be the most pleasurable thing you've done since conceiving that little bundle. Remember that night you had a one too many glasses of wine and lost all inhibitions, making love to your husband like you were teenagers (er, um, young adults) again? And there were no kids yet so you could be as loud as you wanted too. And after there was this feeling of what used to be, and a comforting realization that you don't have to go through dating and relationship games in order to, frankly, get off like that?
Well when you have to tighten up every muscle in your body and pray to every god out there that you won't lose your whiz when you feel that sneeze coming on in the middle of the crowded grocery store line; then you will know what I mean about sneezing on the can.
So from now on kill two birds with one stone. Feel a sneeze coming on? Run to the toilet, cause I know you have to pee too, and let it all go.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Sugar and Spice
If one more person says, "oh, well you can try for a boy after this one" I'm going to punch them.
I am ecstatic about being able to raise two strong independent girls. My mom did. I love the bond that I share with my sister, something that isn't the same with a brother I'm sure. The weight of the world is on my shoulders thinking about the proper way to keep their self esteem up in a world filled with plastic ideals, and let them know that they don't have to have a man to be happy, that they are beautiful and smart and deserve every bit out of life as a man does.
It's when people give me this "so sorry" look about having another girl. It makes me want to scream. One would think in this society, in the middle of one of the most liberal places in the world, people wouldn't still have that idea that your family is not complete without a boy. I guess there's no way around sexism in this world. Thank you for making me even more of a feminist than I already was.
I love my girls. Even when one is rolling her eyes and the other is rolling on top of my bladder. I love them. And wouldn't change a damn thing.
Here's to the first week of my last trimester!
I am ecstatic about being able to raise two strong independent girls. My mom did. I love the bond that I share with my sister, something that isn't the same with a brother I'm sure. The weight of the world is on my shoulders thinking about the proper way to keep their self esteem up in a world filled with plastic ideals, and let them know that they don't have to have a man to be happy, that they are beautiful and smart and deserve every bit out of life as a man does.
It's when people give me this "so sorry" look about having another girl. It makes me want to scream. One would think in this society, in the middle of one of the most liberal places in the world, people wouldn't still have that idea that your family is not complete without a boy. I guess there's no way around sexism in this world. Thank you for making me even more of a feminist than I already was.
I love my girls. Even when one is rolling her eyes and the other is rolling on top of my bladder. I love them. And wouldn't change a damn thing.
Here's to the first week of my last trimester!
Thursday, January 6, 2011
I went to Whole Foods today. I don't normally shop there because it's ridiculously expensive!
When did hippies start making so much money?
Anyway, I want to be rich so I can shop there all the time. I live in a town that is not exactly full of nice people. Especially for someone from the South where people are nice even if you aren't.
Back to Whole Foods, I was allowed in the door first by a nice young lady who gave me the, "aw look at you pregnant lady" look. Then right beside the organic, picked by well paid farmers, and no-pesticides, blah blah blah...there he was...Brad Freaking Pitt. I stopped in my tracks. This guy (who was not surrounded by children so obviously not the real Brad Pitt) must get this reaction a lot because he smiled and laughed at me a little. Not a "you dumb ass" laugh, a "I know, I look like him, it's ok" laugh.
Throughout the entire time I was there, everyone was super nice. But not in being paid to be nice way. Just nice. It was refreshing. I could spend hours in there. It's my little getaway. I know I usually spend 20 minutes looking at the spices alone. And then the CHEESE!! yum.
People think I'm crazy because I don't like the smell of glass cups. They are gross. It smells like detergent and old milk. And it's not just mine, it's everyones. I am also the girl that has always covered an open glass if someone farts around me while I'm drinking. Who wants fart smell in their tea? I've been using two plastic cups from Wendy's for about 6 months now. So to please my husband, sister, and my weird smell aversions I found a plastic reusable cup. It looks just like one from a restaurant or convenience store (personal favorite plastic cup brand). It even has a cute handlebar mustache on it.
so there you go....food and funny smells...isn't that what pregnancy is really about?
the plastic mustache cup.
When did hippies start making so much money?
Anyway, I want to be rich so I can shop there all the time. I live in a town that is not exactly full of nice people. Especially for someone from the South where people are nice even if you aren't.
Back to Whole Foods, I was allowed in the door first by a nice young lady who gave me the, "aw look at you pregnant lady" look. Then right beside the organic, picked by well paid farmers, and no-pesticides, blah blah blah...there he was...Brad Freaking Pitt. I stopped in my tracks. This guy (who was not surrounded by children so obviously not the real Brad Pitt) must get this reaction a lot because he smiled and laughed at me a little. Not a "you dumb ass" laugh, a "I know, I look like him, it's ok" laugh.
Throughout the entire time I was there, everyone was super nice. But not in being paid to be nice way. Just nice. It was refreshing. I could spend hours in there. It's my little getaway. I know I usually spend 20 minutes looking at the spices alone. And then the CHEESE!! yum.
People think I'm crazy because I don't like the smell of glass cups. They are gross. It smells like detergent and old milk. And it's not just mine, it's everyones. I am also the girl that has always covered an open glass if someone farts around me while I'm drinking. Who wants fart smell in their tea? I've been using two plastic cups from Wendy's for about 6 months now. So to please my husband, sister, and my weird smell aversions I found a plastic reusable cup. It looks just like one from a restaurant or convenience store (personal favorite plastic cup brand). It even has a cute handlebar mustache on it.
so there you go....food and funny smells...isn't that what pregnancy is really about?
the plastic mustache cup.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Have a little Faith
This may be TMI for some, so don't say I didn't warn ya.
Last night I realized that my "lady parts" are like Religion....let me explain.
I have not seen myself in that area in about 3 months. I have been told that it's still there by a good source (my husband) and that its not just there for peeing 800 times a day. I don't know what it looks like anymore...maybe an enchanted forest? I have to just have Faith that it's still there.
It gives life, it's magical and mysterious, I can't see it, but sometimes I feel it. It brings joy and happiness to another. And it even makes him jump up for joy and shout "Oh God!". So yes, I think it's safe to say that when you are pregnant and haven't seen your vag in a few months and its about to produce life...that it's ok to refer to it as your new religion. I mean, your world and his kind of revolve around it right now anyway.
I think it may be time for a waxing.....Hallelujah!
Last night I realized that my "lady parts" are like Religion....let me explain.
I have not seen myself in that area in about 3 months. I have been told that it's still there by a good source (my husband) and that its not just there for peeing 800 times a day. I don't know what it looks like anymore...maybe an enchanted forest? I have to just have Faith that it's still there.
It gives life, it's magical and mysterious, I can't see it, but sometimes I feel it. It brings joy and happiness to another. And it even makes him jump up for joy and shout "Oh God!". So yes, I think it's safe to say that when you are pregnant and haven't seen your vag in a few months and its about to produce life...that it's ok to refer to it as your new religion. I mean, your world and his kind of revolve around it right now anyway.
I think it may be time for a waxing.....Hallelujah!
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
It's Godzilla!!!!!
Hi everyone!
I know it's been awhile since I posted last. We went back to South Carolina for Thanksgiving. It was refreshing feeling like a liberal again.
I didn't gain the 20 pounds I was sure I would down south, but I did eat just about everything in sight. Red eye gravy and biscuits are God's gift to me.
I'm 22 weeks now, and I feel about 8 months pregnant. I'm freakishly huge! I was with Parker as well. It's my unusually shaped uterus. It's a bicornuate uterus, which is heart shaped. So everytime, and I mean EVERY TIME I make an appointment or go to the doctor a nurse says, "oh wow! you have a bicornuate uterus! That's so rare! Wow!". Yes, I'm a freak I know. I sometimes tell them I only want the best for my unborn baby and am letting it live in a luxury penthouse uterus while gestating. It's the honeymoon suite. Plenty of space for stretching out your legs...
Anyway, it does make me look bigger than I am. I have a favorite green shirt right now and had my picture taken in it yesterday. Now I realize I look like Godzilla in this shirt and may not wear it again. I live in a predominately Asian population and don't want to cause a stir. That's another thing! When I pick up Parker from school, it never fails that I see a beautiful Asian lady with a 2 month old baby and she looks like she's never eaten an ounce of fat or lost a nights sleep in her life! I may ask what the trick is one day, but without the green shirt.
I know it's been awhile since I posted last. We went back to South Carolina for Thanksgiving. It was refreshing feeling like a liberal again.
I didn't gain the 20 pounds I was sure I would down south, but I did eat just about everything in sight. Red eye gravy and biscuits are God's gift to me.
I'm 22 weeks now, and I feel about 8 months pregnant. I'm freakishly huge! I was with Parker as well. It's my unusually shaped uterus. It's a bicornuate uterus, which is heart shaped. So everytime, and I mean EVERY TIME I make an appointment or go to the doctor a nurse says, "oh wow! you have a bicornuate uterus! That's so rare! Wow!". Yes, I'm a freak I know. I sometimes tell them I only want the best for my unborn baby and am letting it live in a luxury penthouse uterus while gestating. It's the honeymoon suite. Plenty of space for stretching out your legs...
Anyway, it does make me look bigger than I am. I have a favorite green shirt right now and had my picture taken in it yesterday. Now I realize I look like Godzilla in this shirt and may not wear it again. I live in a predominately Asian population and don't want to cause a stir. That's another thing! When I pick up Parker from school, it never fails that I see a beautiful Asian lady with a 2 month old baby and she looks like she's never eaten an ounce of fat or lost a nights sleep in her life! I may ask what the trick is one day, but without the green shirt.
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