Monday, October 25, 2010

The most evil invention...

Yes. I'm talking about the diaper cake.
Why on earth would you ever think that it was acceptable to give a pregnant woman a cake she cannot eat?!!!!
Here's my beef with diaper cakes;

1. They're some of the ugliest things known to man. No wonder people hate baby showers (and don't pretend you like them, I know better) You have to look at these atrocious things and smile and pretend you like it. It's the same as the Armadillo cake situation in "Steel Magnolias".

2. They are completely useless. Have you ever tried to put on a diaper that has been hiding in the bottom of the diaper bag for a few weeks? It's not easy. And you know as soon as you take one of those hand tied bows off the whole damn thing is going to fall all over the floor and you're going to have to find a way to bend your big ol' pregnant ass down to pick them up.

3. You have to pretend you are thankful for something that is just going to take up valuable space in the nursery room. And have to see said diaper cake every time you walk in to the babies room...valuable space that could be used to put that beer that you have been waiting nine months to drink!

4. Diapers are meant to be pooped and pee'd in. Why on earth would you think that's cute?

5. IT'S NOT A CAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!! Do not under any circumstance give me something that is a fake substitute for a cake. I will gnaw your arm off with buttercream icing.

These things are what women who secretly hate you give you. They are evil and must be destroyed.

Friday, October 22, 2010

14 weeks down, lots to go.

I had my 14 week, welcome to the second trimester appointment today.
I've forgotten about having to pee in a cup everytime you step foot in the Doc's office. I think I'm going to get really good at that. They should have competitions. It should be an Olympic event. I mean we are training for nine months right? And you know that Duggar bitch would win everytime, and while on the podium accepting the gold medal she'd pop out another baby. GO USA!
My doctor is great. She's what you would expect a California Ob/gyn to be. Kind of hippy'ish and really smart. But I don't think she really gets my husbands jokes. And joke he does. First he tells the nurse that I am not 5ft. 4in. That I'm lying and I get taller at each visit. Then he decides he should weigh himself. So the digital scale keeps beeping while the nurse is around the corner. great. And of course he blurts out, "THAT CANT BE RIGHT!" It is honey. It is.
When we finally get to see the doctor and I am explaining that I don't fly well and if I can take anything while I'm on our next trip, he chimes in and says, "you know like xanax, and how much can she drink? I know not a lot cause she's pregnant and all". I really think she thought he was serious. oh *sigh*
Now let me tell you about the poster. Which I took a picture of and posted below. Is it just me, or is bitch giving me the side eye? It's like she's saying, while you are half naked with your feet up in stirrups and a long cotton swab up your snatch, "Look at me, I have voluptuous breasts and a cute little pregnant body at 40 weeks gestation, and well, you look like a beached whale". I'm sure this is all in my head. On another note....check out the diagram underneath...that's how big your cervix gets when you push out a baby. And that's why I'm having another c-section. And why Michelle Duggar is a freaking Champ!
We heard the baby's heart beat. It's strong and fast and loud. And it made me very very happy.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Spilling the beans.

We waited until I was in the second trimester to let all of our friends know about this pregnancy and post it on facebook.
I've never been a fan of posting a thing such as this on facebook, but considering I'm 3,000 miles away from my closest friends, it was a necessity.
Most of the people I know would never ever think that I would have another child. I'm just not that kind of woman. I've never had that "glow" and I really don't like children....except my own. My worst day would be having to attend a 5 year old's birthday party. So I tried to think of clever ways to spill the beans. Something that would keep my integrity (whatever is left of it) and soften the blow to all of the unsuspecting friends back home.
I thought as status updates
1. My uterus has decided that it was time to dust off the cobwebs and incubate a fetus for the next nine months.
or since I"m all over celebrity news...
2. Watch out Jesse James and Kat Von D, there's another Jew on the way!

Those were both turned down by my husband and friend Jennifer. I"m not one to put a big freaking stork in my front yard and yell at the rooftops "we're having a baby!" or "we are so pleased to announce...". It's just not my bag. So I ended up with "Devin Rubinstein is trying to think of a clever way to tell you she's pregnant".
I liked welcoming a new jew better.