Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Have a little Faith

This may be TMI for some, so don't say I didn't warn ya.

Last night I realized that my "lady parts" are like Religion....let me explain.
I have not seen myself in that area in about 3 months. I have been told that it's still there by a good source (my husband) and that its not just there for peeing 800 times a day. I don't know what it looks like anymore...maybe an enchanted forest? I have to just have Faith that it's still there.
It gives life, it's magical and mysterious, I can't see it, but sometimes I feel it. It brings joy and happiness to another. And it even makes him jump up for joy and shout "Oh God!". So yes, I think it's safe to say that when you are pregnant and haven't seen your vag in a few months and its about to produce life...that it's ok to refer to it as your new religion. I mean, your world and his kind of revolve around it right now anyway.

I think it may be time for a waxing.....Hallelujah!

Wednesday, December 15, 2010


I don't so much waddle as walk like Fred Sanford....

that is all...

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

It's Godzilla!!!!!

Hi everyone!
I know it's been awhile since I posted last. We went back to South Carolina for Thanksgiving. It was refreshing feeling like a liberal again.
I didn't gain the 20 pounds I was sure I would down south, but I did eat just about everything in sight. Red eye gravy and biscuits are God's gift to me.
I'm 22 weeks now, and I feel about 8 months pregnant. I'm freakishly huge! I was with Parker as well. It's my unusually shaped uterus. It's a bicornuate uterus, which is heart shaped. So everytime, and I mean EVERY TIME I make an appointment or go to the doctor a nurse says, "oh wow! you have a bicornuate uterus! That's so rare! Wow!". Yes, I'm a freak I know. I sometimes tell them I only want the best for my unborn baby and am letting it live in a luxury penthouse uterus while gestating. It's the honeymoon suite. Plenty of space for stretching out your legs...
Anyway, it does make me look bigger than I am. I have a favorite green shirt right now and had my picture taken in it yesterday. Now I realize I look like Godzilla in this shirt and may not wear it again. I live in a predominately Asian population and don't want to cause a stir. That's another thing! When I pick up Parker from school, it never fails that I see a beautiful Asian lady with a 2 month old baby and she looks like she's never eaten an ounce of fat or lost a nights sleep in her life! I may ask what the trick is one day, but without the green shirt.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

God's little gift (and I'm not talking about the baby)

My back hurts, I still feel like puking at noon everyday even though I'm well into my second trimester, I'm gassy and bloated and crave things I cannot have.
Pregnancy sucks. But at the same time, it's a beautiful thing....
Dude! They are HUGE! Granted my nipples are silver dollars but that's ok because I now have two perky and full tata's! Screw McDonalds...I'm lovin' my own personal nuggets!
I had forgotten how great I fill out a shirt when I'm pregnant. I may not be Pamela Anderson, but for someone who long swore her allegiance to chicken cutlets, I'm pretty damn happy!
And the best part????
The part that makes me think God's a woman? My husband is NOT allowed to touch them!
They are SUPER sensitive! So, he gets to look at them and get just close enough, but no touching. He cant stand it!
Not only do I feel great, I'm also a "craving" my husband can't have.
So when I feel like I'm fat and gross and too tired to even talk, I know my husband is secretly in agony. That no matter how fat I get, he still wants me...even if it's just for my voluptuous boobs.

Thank you God!

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

It's the Simple Things.

I complain a lot. I know this. I've always been like that. And I've never really been the glass half full kind of girl.
It's really hard being pregnant...and 3000 miles away from family and friends....and a housewife whose husband works a lot....but I'm going to write down a few of the simple things that make me happy and get me through the day.

1) Pajamas. I could wear them all day. Especially now that 99% of my clothes don't fit me anymore.
I got new ones last night at Target. They are oversized, one piece, and absolutely hideous. My husband asked me this morning if the outhouse was cold this morning (because I look like a pioneer). They take 10 minutes to take off to go pee, which I do a lot of,make my pregnant tummy look even more pregnant, and are teal and dark blue, and go great with my big fuzzy slippers. And I LOVE them.

2) Crock Pots. I could not live without my crock pot. It's great. We used to go out to eat (my favorite thing to do) when I was too tired to cook, and now I can just put some stuff in and let it sit all day. It fills the house up with the greatest smells too! I have an aversion to just about every smell out there right now.

3) Cinnamon Apple Candles. Speaking of smells...I love the Glade ones that are at Target. They smell like SC in the fall. When the leaves are red, orange, and breathtaking. I miss that. And these candles give me a hint of it all the way out here in Cali.

4) Baby Stuff. For some reason all I have to do is pick up a onesie or smell baby powder and I am overtaken with a great sense of euphoria. I'm not one of those people who love babies even when I"m not pregnant. I don't know what to do with them half the time. Parker will be 7 on Sunday so I'm kind of going at this pregnancy as if it's my first. But the smell and the sense of a baby is so wonderful to me right now. I'm in love. Maybe that's why people have so many children? It's a way to be in love for the first time again over and over. The thought of this baby, and the relationship it's going to have with Parker is what drives me. I hope they have the same wonderful relationship as me and my sister do. I couldn't live without her. And I'm excited to see my husband, who's an only child and has no concept of what its like to have a sibling. He's in for some fun.

and finally

5) Food. I know I know. I'm pregnant, so food will most definitely be on my list. I have a secret...I ate two breakfasts this morning. And I don't feel guilty. I was hungry! I've been tracking my weight because I gained so much with Parker and I don't want to do that again. It's not healthy. But sometimes you just have to indulge. And one of them was a bowl of Special K...and that doesnt even count when you're dieting! My other is MONGOLIAN food!!!!! I have a spice addiction right now and the only cure is Mongolian. It's so spicy and delicious and you can pick what you want to eat! I literally could eat it every single day.

So there it is. See I'm not such a ogre. Although if you see me in my pajamas you might think otherwise :)

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

It ain't me babe

I wish I was an "earth mother" type.
I really do. I have a friend who is. She's so fantastic. Her whole family is like that. They are the uber family. She's about 5 foot tall and 90 pounds....pregnant and soaking wet. She ran a marathon at 7 months pregnant with her first child. She never showed any signs of being moody and pregnancy made her prettier (something that I don't think is human and I didn't think she could get prettier).
And we all rolled our eyes when she said she was going to give birth completely natural. But she did.
For the longest time I wanted to be like her. I wanted the same when I was to give birth to my first child, Parker. But that didn't happen.
I was induced with Parker because I was already late and had gained a whopping 60 pounds on my 5 foot 2 inch frame. That was already bad. I wanted a full on painful, no drugs, energizing, and I AM WOMAN birth. The next morning after about 7 hours of labor and them breaking my water with a contraption that looked like something out of Texas Chainsaw Massacre, the doc decided to do another ultrasound to see why the baby wasn't coming down.
She had turned and was now breech.
We had to have a c-section. I was horrified and tired and disappointed in myself for not being a "real mother". After the c section, I had to wait in the recovery room until I could move my toes.
Seriously. They said "you can hold your baby when you can move your toes". I was like Uma in the Kill Bill "Pussy Wagon" trying to move my toes.
I was there for an hour. By myself. Crying and feeling very alone. Needless to say, it sucked.

That was my experience in giving birth. It's still hard to think about. But I have come to be ok with the fact that I am not like my friend. And I'm no less of a mother. Shit happens.

My doctor now is kind of pushing me to do a VBAC. Vaginal birth after Cesarean. The risks can be pretty high. Uterine rupture does not sound fun. And considering what I went through last time, a planned c-section doesn't sound so bad. They don't hold you in a room away from your baby here, so no toe moving necessary.

I also watch those birth shows, and I really don't want all my junk laying out for everyone to see. I get cold chills just looking at stirrups. And I'm a pretty gassy person. My poor doctor would not be amused.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I have some time to think on it. But I'm leaning towards c-section.

As for my friend, she's due to give birth all natural again in December. I wish her the best of luck.

Monday, October 25, 2010

The most evil invention...

Yes. I'm talking about the diaper cake.
Why on earth would you ever think that it was acceptable to give a pregnant woman a cake she cannot eat?!!!!
Here's my beef with diaper cakes;

1. They're some of the ugliest things known to man. No wonder people hate baby showers (and don't pretend you like them, I know better) You have to look at these atrocious things and smile and pretend you like it. It's the same as the Armadillo cake situation in "Steel Magnolias".

2. They are completely useless. Have you ever tried to put on a diaper that has been hiding in the bottom of the diaper bag for a few weeks? It's not easy. And you know as soon as you take one of those hand tied bows off the whole damn thing is going to fall all over the floor and you're going to have to find a way to bend your big ol' pregnant ass down to pick them up.

3. You have to pretend you are thankful for something that is just going to take up valuable space in the nursery room. And have to see said diaper cake every time you walk in to the babies room...valuable space that could be used to put that beer that you have been waiting nine months to drink!

4. Diapers are meant to be pooped and pee'd in. Why on earth would you think that's cute?

5. IT'S NOT A CAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!! Do not under any circumstance give me something that is a fake substitute for a cake. I will gnaw your arm off with buttercream icing.

These things are what women who secretly hate you give you. They are evil and must be destroyed.

Friday, October 22, 2010

14 weeks down, lots to go.

I had my 14 week, welcome to the second trimester appointment today.
I've forgotten about having to pee in a cup everytime you step foot in the Doc's office. I think I'm going to get really good at that. They should have competitions. It should be an Olympic event. I mean we are training for nine months right? And you know that Duggar bitch would win everytime, and while on the podium accepting the gold medal she'd pop out another baby. GO USA!
My doctor is great. She's what you would expect a California Ob/gyn to be. Kind of hippy'ish and really smart. But I don't think she really gets my husbands jokes. And joke he does. First he tells the nurse that I am not 5ft. 4in. That I'm lying and I get taller at each visit. Then he decides he should weigh himself. So the digital scale keeps beeping while the nurse is around the corner. great. And of course he blurts out, "THAT CANT BE RIGHT!" It is honey. It is.
When we finally get to see the doctor and I am explaining that I don't fly well and if I can take anything while I'm on our next trip, he chimes in and says, "you know like xanax, and how much can she drink? I know not a lot cause she's pregnant and all". I really think she thought he was serious. oh *sigh*
Now let me tell you about the poster. Which I took a picture of and posted below. Is it just me, or is bitch giving me the side eye? It's like she's saying, while you are half naked with your feet up in stirrups and a long cotton swab up your snatch, "Look at me, I have voluptuous breasts and a cute little pregnant body at 40 weeks gestation, and well, you look like a beached whale". I'm sure this is all in my head. On another note....check out the diagram underneath...that's how big your cervix gets when you push out a baby. And that's why I'm having another c-section. And why Michelle Duggar is a freaking Champ!
We heard the baby's heart beat. It's strong and fast and loud. And it made me very very happy.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Spilling the beans.

We waited until I was in the second trimester to let all of our friends know about this pregnancy and post it on facebook.
I've never been a fan of posting a thing such as this on facebook, but considering I'm 3,000 miles away from my closest friends, it was a necessity.
Most of the people I know would never ever think that I would have another child. I'm just not that kind of woman. I've never had that "glow" and I really don't like children....except my own. My worst day would be having to attend a 5 year old's birthday party. So I tried to think of clever ways to spill the beans. Something that would keep my integrity (whatever is left of it) and soften the blow to all of the unsuspecting friends back home.
I thought as status updates
1. My uterus has decided that it was time to dust off the cobwebs and incubate a fetus for the next nine months.
or since I"m all over celebrity news...
2. Watch out Jesse James and Kat Von D, there's another Jew on the way!

Those were both turned down by my husband and friend Jennifer. I"m not one to put a big freaking stork in my front yard and yell at the rooftops "we're having a baby!" or "we are so pleased to announce...". It's just not my bag. So I ended up with "Devin Rubinstein is trying to think of a clever way to tell you she's pregnant".
I liked welcoming a new jew better.