Friday, November 4, 2011

I'm back bitches!

I have had a few of my friends this week tell me that they appreciate my honesty when it comes to being a mother. So I thought I would come back to this ol' blog. I know, I know, there are millions of "mom blogs" out there, and some wittier and better written than mine. And they also probably tell you how to vacuum, bake cakes, and have an orgasm all at the same time. (if you find this blog, please let me know, I want to read it too)

I'll give you a brief update and explanation of my disappearance:
When I hit about 8 months pregnant, my back really started to kick my ass. I had to go on pain killers to make it through the day. So you can imagine how much I really wanted to sit here and blog about it. I had Lillian on April 14th by c-section. She was breach as well. If you read my last horror story about my first c-section, I am pleased to tell you that this time around was WAY DIFFERENT! It was wonderful. I had her in my arms immediately after.

Lillian 6 months old on Halloween

My back pain ended up being my SI joint, and not my kidney stone. I have to do these funny exercises that make my husband all "oooo ahhhh". And take a ton of ibuprofen. But no more of the heavy pain killers (damn). So there's your update. I'm really going to try to do this more often and tell you all the wonderful things I do as a mother to make you feel bad and less adequate. But mostly it'll be me telling you that its ok to lock yourself in a closet, buy baby food instead of making it all the time, and cry at the thought of having to do this for the next 18 years of your life.

Monday, February 14, 2011

What to really expect #3

What to really expect #3

The best thing to buy is from the dollar store.

By the time you are 5-6 months pregnant you no longer need nail polish, because you can't see your feet anyway so why does it matter? Then the 7th month hits, and you realize its a chore to bend over and wash those nasty neglected feet in the shower. I swear I've had to sit down on the edge of the tub to catch my breath after a good foot scrubbin'. Then I looked up as if looking up to the clouds parting, the planets aligned, yes there were birds singing (its basically spring here in California), and there it dollar store back loofah. BRILLIANT! Why didn't I think of this before? I can clean my toes and heels without so much as looking down! Lather it up! So ladies, do yourself a favor, run out to the dollar store and buy yourself one of those loofah's on a stick. Best purchase ever.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

What to really expect #2

#2 Sitting down and standing up will make you curse more than you ever have.

I admit that I use curse words like they are the icing to my life cake. I can never do the game that makes you give your child a quarter for every bad word you say. That child would be loaded by the time she's 12! But even I have noticed the influx of questionable language recently. Every time I sit down, stand up, put on shoes, pick something up off the floor, or anything that involves bending; I end up sounding like George Carlin after someone woke him up from his deep dead sleep and taunted him with a cigarette and scotch.
You will do this too. Maybe not to the extent I do, but even the nicest most church going pregnant lady will let out a four letter word every now and then. Think about it. You have a watermelon sized uterus, back ache, a fetus kicking your vagina (more on that one tomorrow), and leg cramps. Do you really expect to get up off that comfy couch and mutter "holy smokes, or jeez Louise!" no, that just doesn't cut it.
It's ok. No one is going to fault you. You're just practicing for the birth! It's the one time no one is going critique your manners. So next time your husband, partner, baby daddy, etc. laughs that it takes about 10 minutes to pull yourself off of the chair just turn your head to them and politely say, "fuck off".

Monday, February 7, 2011

What to really expect when you're expecting #1

There are all of these things that happen to you when you are pregnant that I have yet to find in a book. I'm sure they're out there but I'm not one to go buy every book/magazine on being pregnant. So I'm going to start putting them on here. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Mostly the ugly. I have 10 weeks left in this pregnancy and I hope to post one a day. So here it goes...

What to Really Expect; Things They Don't Tell You About Being Pregnant

#1 Sneezing while on the toilet is almost as satisfying as pre-pregnancy sex
There comes a point in your pregnancy when even the world champion of kegels will leak a little when she sneezes. This is natural, after all you have another human being pressing against your bladder. So when you go to the toilet for the 10th time in two hours, and you sneeze at the same time, that sweet release could be the most pleasurable thing you've done since conceiving that little bundle. Remember that night you had a one too many glasses of wine and lost all inhibitions, making love to your husband like you were teenagers (er, um, young adults) again? And there were no kids yet so you could be as loud as you wanted too. And after there was this feeling of what used to be, and a comforting realization that you don't have to go through dating and relationship games in order to, frankly, get off like that?

Well when you have to tighten up every muscle in your body and pray to every god out there that you won't lose your whiz when you feel that sneeze coming on in the middle of the crowded grocery store line; then you will know what I mean about sneezing on the can.

So from now on kill two birds with one stone. Feel a sneeze coming on? Run to the toilet, cause I know you have to pee too, and let it all go.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Sugar and Spice

If one more person says, "oh, well you can try for a boy after this one" I'm going to punch them.

I am ecstatic about being able to raise two strong independent girls. My mom did. I love the bond that I share with my sister, something that isn't the same with a brother I'm sure. The weight of the world is on my shoulders thinking about the proper way to keep their self esteem up in a world filled with plastic ideals, and let them know that they don't have to have a man to be happy, that they are beautiful and smart and deserve every bit out of life as a man does.
It's when people give me this "so sorry" look about having another girl. It makes me want to scream. One would think in this society, in the middle of one of the most liberal places in the world, people wouldn't still have that idea that your family is not complete without a boy. I guess there's no way around sexism in this world. Thank you for making me even more of a feminist than I already was.

I love my girls. Even when one is rolling her eyes and the other is rolling on top of my bladder. I love them. And wouldn't change a damn thing.

Here's to the first week of my last trimester!

Thursday, January 6, 2011

I went to Whole Foods today. I don't normally shop there because it's ridiculously expensive!
When did hippies start making so much money?
Anyway, I want to be rich so I can shop there all the time. I live in a town that is not exactly full of nice people. Especially for someone from the South where people are nice even if you aren't.
Back to Whole Foods, I was allowed in the door first by a nice young lady who gave me the, "aw look at you pregnant lady" look. Then right beside the organic, picked by well paid farmers, and no-pesticides, blah blah blah...there he was...Brad Freaking Pitt. I stopped in my tracks. This guy (who was not surrounded by children so obviously not the real Brad Pitt) must get this reaction a lot because he smiled and laughed at me a little. Not a "you dumb ass" laugh, a "I know, I look like him, it's ok" laugh.
Throughout the entire time I was there, everyone was super nice. But not in being paid to be nice way. Just nice. It was refreshing. I could spend hours in there. It's my little getaway. I know I usually spend 20 minutes looking at the spices alone. And then the CHEESE!! yum.

People think I'm crazy because I don't like the smell of glass cups. They are gross. It smells like detergent and old milk. And it's not just mine, it's everyones. I am also the girl that has always covered an open glass if someone farts around me while I'm drinking. Who wants fart smell in their tea? I've been using two plastic cups from Wendy's for about 6 months now. So to please my husband, sister, and my weird smell aversions I found a plastic reusable cup. It looks just like one from a restaurant or convenience store (personal favorite plastic cup brand). It even has a cute handlebar mustache on it.

so there you and funny smells...isn't that what pregnancy is really about?

the plastic mustache cup.