Monday, February 14, 2011

What to really expect #3

What to really expect #3

The best thing to buy is from the dollar store.

By the time you are 5-6 months pregnant you no longer need nail polish, because you can't see your feet anyway so why does it matter? Then the 7th month hits, and you realize its a chore to bend over and wash those nasty neglected feet in the shower. I swear I've had to sit down on the edge of the tub to catch my breath after a good foot scrubbin'. Then I looked up as if looking up to the clouds parting, the planets aligned, yes there were birds singing (its basically spring here in California), and there it dollar store back loofah. BRILLIANT! Why didn't I think of this before? I can clean my toes and heels without so much as looking down! Lather it up! So ladies, do yourself a favor, run out to the dollar store and buy yourself one of those loofah's on a stick. Best purchase ever.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

What to really expect #2

#2 Sitting down and standing up will make you curse more than you ever have.

I admit that I use curse words like they are the icing to my life cake. I can never do the game that makes you give your child a quarter for every bad word you say. That child would be loaded by the time she's 12! But even I have noticed the influx of questionable language recently. Every time I sit down, stand up, put on shoes, pick something up off the floor, or anything that involves bending; I end up sounding like George Carlin after someone woke him up from his deep dead sleep and taunted him with a cigarette and scotch.
You will do this too. Maybe not to the extent I do, but even the nicest most church going pregnant lady will let out a four letter word every now and then. Think about it. You have a watermelon sized uterus, back ache, a fetus kicking your vagina (more on that one tomorrow), and leg cramps. Do you really expect to get up off that comfy couch and mutter "holy smokes, or jeez Louise!" no, that just doesn't cut it.
It's ok. No one is going to fault you. You're just practicing for the birth! It's the one time no one is going critique your manners. So next time your husband, partner, baby daddy, etc. laughs that it takes about 10 minutes to pull yourself off of the chair just turn your head to them and politely say, "fuck off".

Monday, February 7, 2011

What to really expect when you're expecting #1

There are all of these things that happen to you when you are pregnant that I have yet to find in a book. I'm sure they're out there but I'm not one to go buy every book/magazine on being pregnant. So I'm going to start putting them on here. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Mostly the ugly. I have 10 weeks left in this pregnancy and I hope to post one a day. So here it goes...

What to Really Expect; Things They Don't Tell You About Being Pregnant

#1 Sneezing while on the toilet is almost as satisfying as pre-pregnancy sex
There comes a point in your pregnancy when even the world champion of kegels will leak a little when she sneezes. This is natural, after all you have another human being pressing against your bladder. So when you go to the toilet for the 10th time in two hours, and you sneeze at the same time, that sweet release could be the most pleasurable thing you've done since conceiving that little bundle. Remember that night you had a one too many glasses of wine and lost all inhibitions, making love to your husband like you were teenagers (er, um, young adults) again? And there were no kids yet so you could be as loud as you wanted too. And after there was this feeling of what used to be, and a comforting realization that you don't have to go through dating and relationship games in order to, frankly, get off like that?

Well when you have to tighten up every muscle in your body and pray to every god out there that you won't lose your whiz when you feel that sneeze coming on in the middle of the crowded grocery store line; then you will know what I mean about sneezing on the can.

So from now on kill two birds with one stone. Feel a sneeze coming on? Run to the toilet, cause I know you have to pee too, and let it all go.